Thursday, 18 December 2014

Do you Squirt?

Dogging, cruising and cottaging: a trio of proud English past-times, celebrated by all on this privileged island.   I usually go all twitchy when I'm driven past a remote picnic site in the English countryside; I've been known to stop for a few hours and 'enjoy the wildlife'.   In idle moments of rapture, I go on the internet and visit and which contain helpful information.  However, one of the worst websites Fanny has had the misfortune to connect with is,  brazenly promising 'hot and horny hookups' and claiming it contains a list of 'thousands of local cruising spots'.

Fanny took a peek inside, signing up for free, and was immediately bombarded with unsavoury messages from Reginald, a very hirsute man from Edgware who wanted to insert an aubergine into a very private place.  Or there was Archibald, a retired greengrocer from Bognor Regis who showed on his profile picture a cardboard box full of strips of wet liver.  There was a hole in the side of the box, with instructions on how to insert a body part.   And finally, my most hated enemy, faded 1960s drag-queen, Lady Vagina, seems to be 'holding court' on this website, posting scurrilous rumours about my good person on to the Hampstead Heath forum.

Given the above three examples, I truly believe that this site is nothing but a dating site for chimpanzees, gorillas and other primates of the lower order.  Therefore, with great haste, I have re-designed's website for them to more accurately reflect their clientele - compare it with the original, if you will!


  1. I have in the past, taken advantage of their 5 day trial, I wasn't very struck with it either. I once recognised a sales assistant from Home Bargains in there looking for casual sex, the brazen hussy. Squirt = Mutant gorillas in shell suits. Have you tried Carmen's favourite Grindr and hornet?

    1. Hi Mitzi. You recognised a sales assistant from Home Bargains? How awful. Same happened to me. I was in a Victorian subterranean toilet, on my hands and knees on the floor, trying to squint through the gloryhole, when I recognised a certain town councillor on the other side, sitting on the toilet, but at the same time trying to impale another gentleman. I immediately apologised and said out loud that I had lost my contact lens on the floor and made a quick exit.

      I must try Grindr and Hornet. Interesting names. PS Belladonna had a fixation with the website Chicks With Dicks.

  2. Nice to see someone telling the TRUTH about It's by far the worst gay website on the planet. Full of fakes profiles, freaks and weirdos. Loved your re-design of their website. Like the chimps, gorillas, baboons, etc. btw the type of guys you get on Squirt aren't even as attractive as a baboon's arsehole.

  3. Replies
    1. Hello 69mago,

      Yes darling, "scurrilous rumours" were posted on that awful site by my arch-enemy, Lady Vagina, stating she'd seen me being led around Hampstead Heath on a dog lead, with a dog collar around my neck with the words "Bitch" on it. I got my lawyer to send her a letter warning her that her remarks were defamatory and would end up costing her a fortune.

      Regrettably, the "scurrilous rumours" are completely true. I do so love to go for a dog walk.

  4. contains the ugliest and most obese men on the Planet. They make Giant Haystacks look like an ant.