Monday, 1 December 2014

Restless fingers and thumbs

Cross-stitch, basket-weaving, knitting, looming, embroidery and sewing... Fanny loves to busy her restless little fingers with Arts and Crafts.    With the arrival of winter, I dusted off my needlework kit and got all creative today, sewing sequins onto a pair of peach swimming trunks and glitter onto the side of vacuum cleaner bags, secreting itching powder berries (plucked from the garden) into lilac pillowcases, and sewing some glacé cherries onto a pair of worn-out slippers to sell for £100.   

The Womens' Institution - a sort of secret society who blow things up with explosives in the village hall - are having a Charity Fundraiser over the weekend, so I busied myself creating some bespoke handcrafted embroidery and sewn pieces to donate for their Winter Bring N' Buy Sale.  Here's one of my creations.  I'm dearly hoping it will grace some elderly ladies' living room wall.

  And here is another.  No! it's not a one-fingered glove.
Known as an "Old Compton Street-inspired 'cock warmer'".  Ideal for winter mornings, particularly if your name is Bob and you drive a milk-float.  I lovingly sewed some itching powder berries - or rosehips - into the end.
My poodle, Mr P, is moulting fur so badly, I've swept the floor and gathered up enough dog-hair to knit a cardigan.   Did you know I spent three of my formative years studying at the Doberman School of Fine Art in Düsseldorf?

Just as I was about to begin feather-stitching a French lace doily with glacé cherries, the doorbell rang and I flung the door open to find a furniture delivery man with a clipboard.  "Oh yes, that's right, I'd forgot" I murmured, "the new furniture... bring it all in".  On a whimsy, I had ordered a new collection of furniture from a daring Parisian designer.  My plans were to invite the Womens' Institution in for tea and rock-cakes and impress them with my taste in furnishings.   It took a while to assemble all the new furniture, but I do think it looks rather wonderful, don't you.  I hope they'll be impressed by it, seeing how they're all asexual.

The S&M Range - classy, simple, unique.  Ideal for showing off to prudes like the W.I.


  1. Darling Fanny,

    We were so touched by your recent comment on our blog that we had to come and visit. Such a pity that we cannot come in reality and see up close your newly acquired furniture. Afternoon Tea would surely take on a whole new dimension of loveliness when experienced in your delightful Drawing Room.......or, perhaps, with second thoughts, better to arrive for cocktails? Non?

    In truth we have not been at all well and we could have definitely appreciated a dose of Fanny humour in our darkest hours. First Flu, then Bronchitis and then an abscess where there should not have been one which meant much draining and dressing at the hospital. And, it still goes on.....

    Whatever, we are most touched by your kindness and concern. A willy warmer would definitely bring a smile to our faces....without the itching berries of course! However, we do note with concern your involvement in the WI.....all Jam and the Fanny Love we know and adore lost for ever? Steer clear of the Village Hall and head to the nearest bar sporting your glittery trunks and fur coat.....that is the Fanny of our dreams!

    With our love, J and L xx

    1. My darling Jane and Lance,

      I am so sorry to learn that you've been unwell... and with the dreaded 'flu, then bronchitis and then an abscess. My poor darlings! This triad of illnesses cannot last! If only I'd known, I would have nursed you both back to health with a riotous dose of good food, good drink, and good humour!

      I hope you're feeling somewhat better now. Everyone's waiting for you to post, but only when you feel well enough. You're welcome to visit me - virtually or in person - at any hour.

      I am sending you a rainbow-coloured willy warmer (minus the itching berries), as well as a large amount of healing light, love and kisses.

      Get well soon, darlings! x

      lots of love,
      Fanny xxx

  2. What a talented fingersmith you are. I adore the human furniture, perhaps something could be done with your maid Belladonna, I see her as a display cabinet for showing orf your macramé and lace mats and as an emergency draught excluder, a footstool and wind chime or as a useful rotary clothes line, in the summer you could hire her out at fetes as one of those inflatable castles for the kiddies to jump up and down on. Many years ago I visited the Catacombs of Palermo, I remember thinking then what a terrible waste, with the aid of strings and pullies and a bit of imagination those dead bodies could be part of a puppet show, just put 10p in the slot and watch them perform a little dance to the tinny tune of Yakety Sax better then just lying there doing nothing.

    1. You're so creative, Mitzi. I adore your suggestions for Belladonna becoming a display cabinet, an emergency draught excluder, a foot-stool, a wind chime or a rotary clothes line. I had never thought of those. It's difficult to know what to do with a maid who is literally and figuratively a white elephant (a possession which its owner cannot dispose of and whose cost, particularly that of maintenance, is out of proportion to its usefulness). I must go and visits those Catacombs in Palermo. I would love nothing better than a bit of Yakety Sax from a nice stiff.

    2. Belladonna would love you to put 10 pence in her slot!